The Foreign Embassy

Of course I got one. There was never really a question of my getting one, much as I denied it to myself and others. Sure, I planned on going up to the Fifth Avenue store on Launch Day after work, but as I insisted to my rightfully skeptical colleagues, I was just going to LOOK, to soak up the atmosphere. And once I got up there and saw the media circus and the line a block long, well, forget about it. Just forget about it.

An impossibly quick fifteen minutes later, I was being handed an eight-gigger (Four gigs? Puh-LEEZ.) by the sprightly young thing behind the counter. Whoever was doing crowd control at Fifth Avenue must have had previous experience coordinating large-scale troop deployments, because I've never seen a line move so fast or so orderly. And once you were in the store, well, forget about browsing, 'cause that line was headed straight to the register. They knew, just as my snickering colleagues knew, that you don't wait in a line a block long, no matter how fast it moves, just to soak in the atmosphere. Poppa came to buy, and you better believe Poppa BOUGHT.

What can you say about this thing that hasn't been said? Easily five years ahead of the next most advanced cell phone or PDA on the market, it is, undoubtedly, the future. It's beyond slick. The touch interface is blindingly cool. When whipped out in public, it's a total showstopper: everyone wants to lay hands on it. Waiters, tablemates at weddings, salespeople at Banana Republic, EVERYONE. And rightfully so. It's beautiful. It's awe-inspiring. It's the glistening ejaculate of a techno-god from the next millennium.

Okay, that last one was a bit of hyperbole, but I swear, that's what I felt when I first held it in my hands.

It's not without some drawbacks, the most annoying of which, for me, is the lack of an ability to do tabbed browsing at will: on the iPhone, links only open in new windows if they're coded that way, and there's no shortcut to force it to happen, no equivalent of command-clicking in Safari. Now, I LIVE on tabbed browsing; I usually limit myself to an absolute maximum of three open browser windows (Poppa likes an orderly desktop), but those browser windows can easily have a dozen tabs each. Going back to un-tabbed browsing is a hobbling experience, particularly with a browser that doesn't cache previously loaded pages, and PARTICULARLY seeing as how coding links to open in separate windows inexplicably became poor netiquette some years back. On the often slow-as-molasses Edge network, this turns my usual browsing experience into an exercise in agony: go to Daring Fireball, wait for it to load, read, click on an interesting link, wait for it to load, read, go back to Daring Fireball, wait for it to load AGAIN, repeat ad nauseam. The iPhone interface for using separate windows is already there, and like everything else, it's slicker than snot: why the hell couldn't they put in some kind of way (my own idea was a double-tap of a link to open it in a new window) to let you use it?

Of course, no one else seems to be complaining about this, so maybe everybody knows something I don't. If you do, please God, tell me.

One other thing has gone unremarked in pretty much every glowing, superlative-crammed review of the iPhone I've read, but it's a feature that's single-handedly changed my life in a way no piece of technology has since TiVo:

I can now read the Internet on the crapper.

See, I'm a bathroom reader. Always have been, always will be. My throne at home is stocked with a library larger than that of a small municipality. At work, I tend to keep a copy of The Onion (bathroom reading at its finest) or the Village Voice close at hand for what I like to call "private time." I have, on numerous occasions, resorted to printing out interesting articles (most recently, New York Magazine's profile of Steve Jobs at home and sticking them in my pocket to be used as bathroom material later in the day. When push comes to shove, I've been known to read the instructions on shampoo bottles. When I'm there, I need to read.

Brother, I'm here to tell you, those days of wandering the desert are over. Now, I go to the porcelain throne with the WORLD in my pocket. I can look up Brother Power on Wikipedia. I can shop for a new Weber on Amazon. I can POST (you can guess where this entry was birthed, along with something else that was simply unspeakable).

I reluctantly admit that I have in fact used it while URINATING. This could, at some later date, pose a problem.

Viva la future!